Download “I Hope You Die.mp3

I had thought about writing a “Weird Al” Yankovic or a Flight of the Conchords-type song for a while.  (When I wrote Inner Thoughts for my second Songwriting Cycle, I had first thought about doing a FotC-style song about the spleen, instead of the song I ended up actually writing.)  But it never quite fit what I wanted to do.

This time around, though?  Made it fit.  Here’s a song that tries to follow in the line of “Weird Al” Yankovic’s long string of anti-love songs, with the musical sensibilities of “Your Horoscope For Today.”

(Thanks and credit to Brandi Burns, for her assistance in brainstorming lists of creative fatalities!)

Why am I still with you

When you steal and cheat and lie?

You make me feel I’m worthless

Ev’ry time you happen by.

I wish I could break up with you,

But I can’t say goodbye.

There’s just a single thought

That helps me to get by . . .

I’d be so happy if I

Woke tomorrow morning and dis-

Covered that your doctor made your

Sleeping pills too strong.

I love imagining you

Jumping off a bridge and then dis-

Covering that someone made your

Bungee cord too long.

Or just the thought that maybe

One day, when you’re walking home, you

Might get killed in traffic makes my

Spirit start to fly!

I hope you die.

I hope you die.

I’d be ecstatic if you

Died from eating something that was

Poisoned and delivered by a

Crazy, jealous ex.

Or, while we’re at it, since you’re

Cheating on me anyway, I

Wouldn’t even mind it if you

Died while having sex!

Or something simple like an

Aneurysm burst or you got

Crushed by something big and heavy

Falling from the sky!

I hope you die.

I hope you die.

I hope you die a slow and

Agonizing death like all the

Hours that I waited after

You would say, “Hey, Honey?  Let’s get

Dressed up and go out!”  And I’d say,

“Sure, that sounds like fun!”  And I’d put

On a suit and tie and then I’d

Sit there like an idiot and

Wait while you decided on a

Dress and then you had to change your

Bra and then you had to find a

Belt and then you didn’t like your

Shoes and then you have to do your

Hair and do your face and do your

Nails and pick a necklace and some

Earrings and then spray on some per-

Fume and then you have to find a

Jacket and you have to find your

Cell phone and you have to find your

Car keys and you have to find your

Purse and then you say you’re “good to

Go,” so I get up and then you

Look me up and down and you say,

“Honey-bear, I love you but you

Know I hate that tie . . .”


How ‘bout an accident like

Choking on the dinner that you’re

Trying to inhale?

Or getting trampled by a

Crowd of crazy shoppers on the

Day after Thanksgiving at some

Early-risers’ sale?

Or if your parachute gets

Tangled in some power lines and

Leaves you hanging, helpless, as you

Slowly start to fry?

I hope you die!

I hope you die!

I hope you die!

I hope you die!!

Maybe you’ll meet up with a

Homicidal maniac who

Kills you and then dumps you where your

Body can’t be found!

It doesn’t matter, just so

Long as when it happens, I can

Prove I’m somewhere else with lots of

Witnesses around!

I know you’d think with all the

Shit that I’ve put up with I’d be

Strong enough to leave you, but ‘til

I can be that guy

I hope you die!

I hope you die!!

I hope you . . .

< Sound effect -- someone arriving >

Oh.  Hi, Sweetie!  How was your day?

Did you want something to eat?

I could fix us something . . .

< Sound effect -- door closing >

(God, I hope you die . . .)